Girl, where do you think you're goin...
Siri, play Joanne by Lady Gaga.
I felt the tears forming on my flight right before takeoff, when I saw a woman who reminded me of my grandmother. She had multiple gold and bedazzled rings on her fingers, and the cough and laugh of a smoker. The appropriate amount of hairspray to have her dyed-red hair arranged just so. She was lovingly yelling at her friend who was seated in the row behind her, and called the stranger sitting next to her “hun.” She had the personality and trappings of my grandmother, but it wasn’t her. Of course it wasn’t, no one could ever compare to her.
I was on the way to visit my college best friend who lives in Texas. It had been almost two years since we had last seen each other, and in that time she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl. My excitement in this trip manifested itself in physical movement, as my toes tapped and legs bounced.
Here I was, in seat D15, reflecting upon the beauty and sadness of life and death. Still mourning the loss of a loved one, while en route to meet an adorable newcomer to this world.
The duality of the human existence!
Nine years ago, this friend and I were causing a ruckus (at least in our minds we were) in London, challenging Irish men to drinking contests, even though we had never touched whiskey before. Now, just a few days ago, I was holding her sweet baby girl on my lap as she fed her. We looked at each other and said “Did we ever think we’d be here?”
Every so often, I’ll take a stroll through my blog to remind myself of where I’ve been and where I am now. It’s similar to revisiting one’s diary, a reminder of the dreams you once had and how they’ve shifted, the memories you’ve long forgotten, the opinions you once had that have since vastly changed. I’ll occasionally also do this with the Notes app on my phone, which is where I found the following to-do list from several years ago:
TO DO:
Do more song covers
Buy a Blue Yeti
Make blog business cards
Try hypnosis
Move to London
Book SoulCycle classes
Meet Green Day and Lady Gaga
Some more attainable, some not (although I still believe deep in my soul that the London move will happen one day. Manifestation baby.) I did dance on stage with Billie Joe Armstrong a few summers ago, and finished over 100 SoulCycle classes in this time. But there’s still more to do.
I’m presenting two different stories and examples of what I’m trying to get across here:
1.) Life is fleeting.
2.) Plans change.
3.) Life is simultaneously beautiful and tragic.
You’re probably familiar with the saying, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans,” which is a Yiddish proverb but unfortunately appears to be attributed to W*ody Allen. And while I do like to fancy myself a somewhat go-with-the-flow person, I have my plans and goals. My Capricorn sun and Cancer moon have created a delightful cocktail of a type-A personality with a carefree, joie de vivre mindset. We can have a spontaneous night on the town and your friends-friend who’s in-town can even join us last minute for dinner, but we will be showing up for our 7:00PM reservation at 6:55PM.
All this to say, my life plans will continue to change, I don’t know where I’m going, and I’m OK with that. I think for the first time, I’ve learned what it means to completely throw caution to the wind. I’m not apprehensively waiting for what’s next. I’ll still make a new to-do list on my Notes app, but perhaps will be more flexible with myself this time.
Eckert Tolle’s The Power of Now tells us:
“Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace.”
Not to be on my spiritual sh*t, but that’s the good stuff right there.
Apologies for this today’s post being all over the place. Between the pop culture and music posts, it’s been some time since I’ve shared a personal post here. Just thought I’d let you know where I’m at. ❤️
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