Here at Why Don’t You Cry About It?, we love culture. We celebrate culture. You may recall in May, I was inspired by popular pop culture podcast Las Culturistas’ Top 200 moments in culture list, and created my own Top Ten Moments of Culture list.
In one of their latest episodes, hosts Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers introduced listeners to the first-ever Las Culturistas Culture Awards (listen to the episode here). A brief description of the awards, from the podcast description:
The time has come...for the girls to do...what they set out to do. Matt and Bowen get together to finally announce the categories for the long-threatened Las Culturistas Culture Awards. It is the most ambitious event in Las Cultch history, and we want YOU, the readers, to be a part of it. Campaign! Act like publicists for who YOU want to win.
Friend of the newsletter and friend in real life Ann and I decided we would pitch our own winners of this illustrious award ceremony.
A few important notes before you dive in on our picks:
It’s important to make the distinction that there is a difference between your favorite and the best. Ann and I did our best to follow this guideline.
Ann and I did not do every single category, but we did a lot. We’re busy.
We would be simply lying if we said we weren’t hoping the boys (Bowen and Matt) would read this post.
Respectfully - either you get it or you don’t.
This newsletter is probably riddled with spelling errors, grammatical mistakes and controversial opinions. Read further if you dare!
THE CATEGORIES:
ANN’S PICKS:
Best Jester: Jenny McCarthy. Anti-vaxxer with no skills who is still somehow raking in millions on MASKED SINGER??? The system does not reward talent
Best Flop: BeBe Rexha. I’m sorry she is a perpetual flop the vibes are off she thinks she is a quirky girl and she is nothing of the sort
Best Jester Flop: The Cuomos. Wannabe mafia creeps with no morals. A flop dynasty!
Best Jester Flop in the Clown Square: DaBaby. Revenge is a dish best served hot….girl summer 🐎
Most amazing impact in film: THX sound effect. THAT’S how you knew a cinematic experience was about to begin
Best asker: Clippy. Dedicated to the craft of asking questions, possibly to a fault
Winner of best asker: Clippy
Funniest Gay Man: Pat Regan. King of just saying a sentence and making me laugh aloud.
Funniest Gay Woman: Kate McKinnon. Highlighting the lack of representation of gay women in media.
Best Candy: those fruit-flavored Altoids from the mid-2000s. Bring them back!!!
Best Chocolate: Lindor truffles. If I can buy it at Rite-Aid but still feel fancy, it’s a win
Best Picture: The eponymous photograph in Nickleback’s “Photograph”
Album of the year: My Chemical Romance’s The Black Parade. The year in question is 2007. You mom drives you to the Willow Grove Mall after middle school on a Tuesday (remember when music came out on Tuesday? This is before Beyoncé changed the game with that digital drop) and you run into FYE to get your grubby paws on this classic album. Thank god I never got the back tattoo of The Patient I wanted at the time.
Record of the year: Wild Side by Normani. Cementing her career as a “Girl To Watch.”
Best Seltzer Flavor: Black Cherry. Excellent for both regular and hard seltzers
Most shocking moment of the year: Jen Shah getting arrested. For this to happen WHILE filming AND with her in those braids AND for it to be the truly abominable crime of elder abuse? Her soul smells like hospital.
Best Twenty-something: Shrek. Shrek turned 20 on April 22 of this year, and still has a chokehold on pop culture today.
Best Thirty-something: Hayley Williams. Paramore was founded in 2004. Hayley is 32. To be an icon for 17 of your 32 years, still putting out great music and still influencing the girls??? Olivia Rodrigo say thank you!!
Lady Gaga Award for being one person in a room award: Me in a 300? Sq. ft. studio apartment during quarantine. For 6 months I was truly the only person in a room, and I lived to tell the tale.
Iconic structure: the 27th and Girard steel furnace. Do attend
Best Katy Perry Moment: Glass of milk
Best movie we did not see: Moonlight
Best Host: Nicole Byer
Smallest Snub: Stuart Little. While nominated for one Academy Award (Visual Effects), the real snub here is being omitted from the M. Night Shyamalan cannon- he was a screenwriter!
Worst way to die: fall off Disney cruise ship. I don’t want any Mickey ears around me at my time of death.
Best Flavor: Shrimp Scampi
Best lil bro: Miranda Cosgrove as Megan in Drake and Josh. Rejecting the gender binary to support this meme queen, who was in hindsight correctly awful to huge weirdo Drake Bell.
Best big bro: Iron Giant. In a sense, right?
Most memorable line in a movie: “You better hold on tight spider monkey.” More chilling than human centipede.
Most memorable line in TV: “Go to sleep! GO TO SLEEP!” Scary Island deserved a Pulitzer.
Worst note ever sung: When I cracked on middle C in my Curtis grad school audition. WHY ON EARTH did I think Albert Herring was a good choice for my voice???
Best live performance by a woman: Every live Charli XCX performance.
Kylie Minogue Award for Why Haven’t They Happened in America Yet?: Raye. Euphoric Sad Songs is as good as Future Nostalgia - her old label did her dirty!
Little Mix Award for being Absolutely Fierce Boots: Chloe x Halle. Continuously raising the bar. We are not worthy.
Tina Turner Legend Award: Tina Turner. The one and only! My father will still tell you the best show he ever saw was Tina Turney at the Spectrum.
Best Relaxing Destination: Down the shore. Sun, sand, fudge. Don’t you dare call it “the beach”.
Best Damn Bird: Sue Bird. 4 time Olympic gold medalist and WNBA legend
Best Disney ride, Orlando ride, Worst Florida ride: Who cares? this is a Hershey park stan account.
Best cousin of the week of all time: Matt Rogers. Chatty, gossipy, Italian-coded
Best thing to order for the table: Guacamole. A classic for a reason - vegan, gluten free, refreshing and delicious.
Best Dinner: Tapas. Sometime you want a smidge of everything.
Best Lunch: a BLT in August.
Best Breakfast: Breakfast tacos.
Best Snack: Pickle flavored chips.
Best Beverage: Chinotto. Like cream soda and Aperol had a baby. Should be on every 0% abv menu.
Best Billionaire: The Carters. By which I really mean Beyoncé.
Best Planet: Earth. Because I can live here (for now).
Best teacher we ever had: Mr Savering!!! King of teaching second grade.
Most Colorful color: Cyan
CAMILLE’S PICKS:
Lady Gaga Award for being one person in a room award: Tiffany Pollard
Most iconic building or structure: The leaning tower of Pisa. May she never tumble.
Best movie we did not see: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Smallest snub: Me. When I wasn’t cast as a lead in my high school senior year production of Godspell.
Most amazing impact on film: the color palette of Sleeping Beauty
Scariest monster: Siren Head
Most controversial Wendy Williams moment: Her most recent.
Most recurring stress dream: Trying to run away from something or someone but it’s like you’re running in water.
Best flavor of them all: Chili oil
Best lil bro: In the style of Ann’s pick, it’s Dora Winifred "D.W." Read.
Most memorable line in a movie: Not the gum drop buttons! I will be transparent that I did consult with friends for this category, and Katie gave me the correct answer. Honorable mentions include: “Don’t be stomping your last season Prada shoes at me honey,” “Get off the grass!”, ” “When I dress as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.”
Most memorable line in a TV show: Wow, Bethenny, wow.
Best note ever sung: Lady Gaga’s Sound of Music tribute, specifically 3:55
Worst note ever sung: Go straight to 4:50. While it’s the worst note ever sung, it’s also the most iconic.
Biggest jester: Lea Michele. I’ve been saying it for years. No one’s career has infuriated me more.
Biggest jester flop: Tom Girardi
Biggest jester flop in the clown square: D*nald Tr*mp.
Best damn bird: Bruno on TikTok.
Best live performance by a woman: Lea Salonga singing On My Own
Best fish: Eating wise, turbot. I had it for the first time recently and loved it. Another best fish, the rainbow fish. We enjoy seeing growth.
Best fish winner
Best Breakfast: An everything bagel with scallion cream cheese.
Best Lunch: Chicken salad on an everything bagel, with Buffalo wing flavored pretzel crisps
Best Snack: Stromboli. A hill I will die on. It’s not a sandwich, it’s not a pizza. It extends beyond that. it’s the perfect combination of meat, cheese and bread, delicious either hot or cold.
Best Thing to order for the table: A charcuterie platter with a bottle of rosé
Kathryn Hahn Award for us being gagged: When Laganja jumped (see below).
Best seltzer flavor: Watermelon. This applies to both regular and hard seltzers.
Best candy: Everlasting gobstoppers. They are everlasting.
Best asker: Kathy Hilton. Who is hunky-dory?
Most colorful color: Cobalt blue
Best animal in the sea: Humpback whales. No one is doing it like them.
Best planet: Neptune. It is the only planet that is invisible to the unaided eye. Serving elusive chanteuse.
Best news we heard: the Internet named a boat Boaty McBoatface
Best emoji: 😏
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